Folly of the DayArmed Robber Takes Two Luxury Watches at Gunpoint, Then Posts a TikTok of Himself Wearing One
A stolen watch has exactly one use to a man like this, and it is not telling time — it is being seen, which is the whole reason he wanted it and the entire mechanism by which he lost it. He did not slip up; he completed the transaction as designed, because the theft was never about acquiring an object, it was about acquiring an audience, and an audience is a thing that can be subpoenaed. Every generation invents a fresh way to be caught, and ours has settled on the confession its author mistakes for a highlight reel.
Source: CWB Chicago
The WireMan Drives Drunk to the Sheriff's Office to Collect a Friend Just Released for Drunk Driving, Parks in the Restricted Lot
Antone M. Glionna, 25, of Hagaman, New York, drove to the Montgomery County Sheriff's Office to retrieve a friend being released after a DWI arrest, declined the public parking area in favor of the restricted one, failed the field sobriety tests that followed, and was found to be operating on a license already revoked over a prior DWI conviction. The remarkable thing is not the drinking but the itinerary: he selected, out of every destination available to him that morning, the one building in the county staffed entirely by people trained to notice. Confidence of this order is not the belief that you will not be caught; it is the failure to entertain the category.
Source: CBS6 Albany (WRGB)
The WireMotorist Rear-Ends the One Vehicle on the Road With a State Trooper Inside It
A 71-year-old Saginaw man struck a Michigan State Police Dodge Durango stopped at a red light on Dixie Highway on the evening of July 14, registering a blood-alcohol level of 0.17 or higher — the threshold Michigan statute labels, without embarrassment, 'super drunk.' Of all the bumpers in the state of Michigan he might have found, he found the one attached to a witness, a report, and a badge. There is a species of bad luck so consistent that it stops being luck and becomes a disclosure about the man.
Source: Officer.com
The WireMan Steals a $7,000 Necklace, Then Texts the Victim a Ransom Demand in Writing
Deputies say William Walker took a gold necklace at a Palm Coast barbershop on July 1 during a Facebook Marketplace sale negotiated at $7,000, and then, six days later, texted the seller demanding $1,200 for its return — converting a difficult theft case into a documented one at no charge to the state. He was charged with dealing in stolen property, grand theft, and unlawful use of a two-way communication device; the necklace was recovered on his arrest. Having gotten away with it, he could not bear to have gotten away with it quietly, because the point was never the necklace, it was being known to have won.
Source: News4Jax
Black-Robed EgomaniaAppellate Justice Censured and Barred After Sitting on 132 Undrafted Opinions — Some for Eight Years
One hundred and thirty-two sets of litigants filed, briefed, argued, and then waited on a document that nobody was writing, and there existed no earthly mechanism by which they could make it appear. The particular arrogance of the appellate bench is not shouting at defendants; it is the discovery that a man may simply decline to do the one thing his office consists of and remain, for ten years, unbothered — the delay costing him nothing and the litigants everything. Two of those files were children's cases, which is to say two childhoods elapsed at the speed of a man who did not feel like it.
Source: California Commission on Judicial Performance
LazyTownBank Robber Writes His Holdup Note on the Back of His Own Paycheck Stub
The remedy available to him cost nothing and took four seconds: any other piece of paper in the world. He did not lack the wit to know his name was on the check — he crossed it out, which is proof he knew — he simply declined to spend the effort that the knowledge demanded, and settled for the gesture of effort instead. That is laziness entire, in one exhibit: not ignorance of the fix, but a considered judgment that the fix was somebody else's job.
Source: WBTW
Campus WatchProfessor Assigns a Twenty-Page Paper. Not One Student Finishes It.
The tuition purchased the seat, the seat confers the credential, and the credential attests to a capacity for sustained attention that the transaction has quietly stopped supplying. Twenty pages is not a mountain; it is roughly the length of the syllabus describing the course in which the twenty pages could not be read. What is being certified now, at scale and at list price, is no longer the ability to follow an argument but the serene confidence of people who have never once had to.
Source: The College Fix