Folly of the DayOhio's Highest Court Rules That 'Boneless Wings' Are Allowed to Contain Bones — Because the Word Names a 'Cooking Style'
Confronted with a man whose throat had been opened by a bone the menu swore was absent, four justices reached not for justice but for a dictionary, and there discovered that 'boneless' is a mood rather than a covenant. This is the reflex of any institution asked to weigh the powerful against the injured: reframe a broken promise as a failure of the victim's imagination. The court did not find that Berkheimer was wrong to expect no bones — it found that expecting words to mean what they say is itself the naivety. 'Boneless' endures, in the end, as the homage the kitchen pays to a boneless ideal it never intended to honor, and the law, summoned to referee, ruled that the sign had always been only a suggestion.
Source: Associated Press
The WireA University With a Top-Five Library-Science School Tells Washington It Cannot Find One American Qualified to Be an Assistant Librarian
The University of Michigan trains librarians well enough that its graduate program ranks among the five best in the country, and then filed federal paperwork swearing that nowhere in the nation it helps educate could a single person be found to catalog, shelve, and reference books — a post for which it concedes a master's degree is merely 'desirable,' not required. An institution wholly certain of its own excellence has argued itself into declaring the very labor it manufactures unfindable; the credential, it turns out, is prestigious precisely to the people who cannot use it to staff the front desk.
Source: The College Fix
The WireA Raccoon Breaks Into a Virginia Liquor Store, Makes Straight for the Top-Shelf Scotch, and Is Found Passed Out on the Bathroom Floor
The raccoon fell through a ceiling tile of an Ashland liquor store, drank its way down the whisky shelf, smashed the bottles it could not finish, and was discovered face-down by the toilet the next morning — and it is, fittingly, the only burglar in today's edition whose ruin can be charged to an actual absence of higher reasoning rather than the studied refusal to use it. He sobered up in a few hours and was released without injury and, more to the point, without a theory of jurisprudence to justify the wreckage. In that one respect he is today's most honest defendant.
Source: Associated Press