A Maryland Man Smashed Into a Verizon Store at 5 A.M., Left His Truck Running With the Keys In It, and Then — Bleeding From the Burglary — Called Police to Report That Someone Had Stolen His Truck

The crime and the complaint are the same man’s work, which is the whole education here: he robbed a store and then telephoned the state to report that he, personally, had been wronged — as though larceny were a service he could consume without ever being billed for it. He did not leave evidence at the scene; he carried it on his hands to the officers and asked them for help. The confident criminal always assumes the universe keeps two separate ledgers, one for his takings and one for his grievances. It keeps one.

Source: The Baltimore Banner

Two California Men Allegedly Stole $100,000 in Tools, Copper, and Vehicles — and Investigators Say They Found Selfies of the Driver Committing the Crimes

The modern felon cannot abide the thought of a crime going unwitnessed, and so he appoints himself the one witness the prosecution would otherwise have had to work to find.

Source: CBS News Bay Area

A Queens Woman With No Medical License Put On a White Coat, Called Herself ‘Doctor Fran,’ Diagnosed and Prescribed for Real Patients, and Billed Medicaid $105,000

She understood the one thing the licensed forget — that the patient is examining the coat, not the man inside it — and she was right about everyone in the room except the regulator, who examines the man.

Source: New York State Office of the Attorney General

An Ohio Shoplifter Walked Into the Same Lowe’s Three Days in a Row, Filled Store Bags With Merchandise, and Strolled Out — Until the Deputy Recognized Him

Three days running he mistook the absence of an immediate arrest for the absence of surveillance — the single most expensive misreading available to the American shoplifter.

Source: Scioto County Daily News

A Tulsa Man Stole a $9,000 Underground-Cable Locator and Listed It for Sale on Facebook Marketplace — Where Its Owner Was Looking

He stole a machine built to find things buried out of sight, then advertised it — and himself — to the one man on earth guaranteed to be looking for it.

Source: News On 6 (Tulsa)

An 18-Year-Old Retaking India’s Medical Entrance Exam Hid a Phone in the Toilet Tank in Advance, Faked Stomach Pain, and Was Caught Googling Answers in the Stall

He plotted it for days and staked his entire future on an invigilator possessing less curiosity than he possessed nerve — the ambitious keep making that wager against human vigilance, and keep losing it.

Source: Republic World

A Michigan Judge Rear-Ended a Public Transit Bus at Twice the Legal Limit

A man who spends his days assigning consequences to other men’s appetites drove into the back of a bus at twice the limit — proof that the robe confers no special metabolism, only the settled conviction that the rules being enforced are meant for the people in front of the bench, not the one behind the wheel.

Source: WDIV / ClickOnDetroit

A Retired Alabama Man Wired $222,000 — His Entire Life Savings — to a 23-Year-Old Named ‘Bella’ He Had Never Met

Presented with a 23-year-old who materialized on his phone and promptly required his bank, his Coinbase, and his discretion, he concluded that he was loved — because the only other explanation, that he had merely been located, was the one sum he refused to sit down and add up.

Source: WAFF 48

KeroNgb Walks the American Campus Again and Finds the Undergraduate Body Radiant With Confidence and Innocent of Facts — the Long Pause After Each Simple Question Is the Sound of Tuition at Work

Source: KeroNgb / YouTube